Interaction: Dealing with right answers

Right answers from participants also deserve a conscious approach, if you want to ensure high levels of interaction. What you want to avoid is that when a participant gives a sliver of the right answer you immediately move in and take over. Let’s look at an example from a training on the Rose of Leary.

• You: ‘So let me ask you, who can give me an example of when ABOVE - AGAINST behavior is appropriate or even necessary?’

• Participant: ‘Maybe when you have to communicate a boundary?’

• You: ‘That’s exactly right! When you have to communicate a boundary, ABOVE - AGAINST behavior is what you need. At that particular moment, you are putting your needs/wants/desires above what the other person might want. That makes it AGAINST. You are taking initiative by speaking up and making a statement and that makes it ABOVE. Does that make sense?

What you communicate through this interaction is that you only need their input as assists to your own story. You are not truly interested in what they have to say. Participants will pick up on this immediately and as a result will not be as forthcoming with any new answers. Interaction levels will slowly wither. 

How to deal with right answers

How you deal with a right answer is influenced by the level of correctness and the level of completeness. Let’s take a look at a couple of examples to find out how you deal with them.

The answer is 100% correct & 100% complete

Strategy: Highlight & Reward. Endorse the answer and offer the participant a moment in the sun for their contribution. How you do this depends very much on your style as a trainer. I personally have some fun with this by saying things like:

• ‘Ladies and gentleman, we have an angels-singing situation on our hands, what Peter said is exactly right!’

• ‘That’s exactly right! I couldn’t have said it any better if I had read it to you from the textbook.’

• ‘That’s a 10 out of 10 right there! Well done!’  

The answer is <100% correct & 100% complete

<100% correct implies that the answer is definitely in the direction you’re looking for, but it needs some fine-tuning to be exactly right.

Strategy: Reward the part that’s right and invite further additions either from the group or from the participant who gave the answer. Let’s take a look at this example from a training on Coaching:

• You: ‘What did you see me do, after the coachee told me the story about his boss?’

• Participant A: ‘You summarized it, by saying ‘I see that this is bothering you’.

• You: ‘Well spotted! I indeed summarized it. Those were not the exact words I used though. Who remembers which turn of phrase I used?

• Participant B: ‘You said: ‘It looks like this is bothering you’’

• You: ‘Awesome! That’s right. The reason I’m making you aware of this distinction is that ‘It looks like’ keeps the focus on the coachee and ‘I see’ takes more of the focus towards yourself and what you think.

The answer is 100% correct & <100% complete

<100% complete can mean two things.

1. Multiple answers exist for this particular question. 

Strategy: reward and invite further contributions, sometimes nudging the participants in a particular direction to come up with new answers. Let’s take a look at a situation from training on Focus:

• You: So when we know that the most effective breaks for the brain involve not taking in any information and being in a state of open awareness, can you think of some examples of great breaks?

• Participant A: ‘Loading the dishwasher.’

• You: ‘For sure! What else?’

• Participant B: ‘I always dance in the living room!’

• You: ‘Cool, I think I’ll try that myself! That definitely is an effective break for the brain. To also have some examples of breaks that are easier to do when you’re at work, what can you think of?’

• Participant C: ‘Take a walk’

• You: ‘Yup! Easy movement is one of the most effective breaks for the brain. Keep going!

• Participant D: ‘Stare out of the window’

• You: ‘Indeed, it might seem odd, but that’s actually a great break! I hope these examples gives you some inspiration for your breaks to come.’

  2. The answer lacks depth and needs further elaboration to be meaningful.

Strategy: Invite the participant to elaborate further. Let’s take a look at the example from a training on Delivering Bad News.

• You: ‘What would happen if you ignore that someone is angry and try to have a rational conversation?’

• Participant: ‘It wouldn’t work.’

• You: [with friendly inquisitive look on your face] ‘Say more’

• Participant: ‘Well, they wouldn’t exactly be open for it, right?’

• You: ‘Can you elaborate?’

• Participant: ‘Well, when I think of myself when I am angry, anything you say to me usually only puts fuel to the fire. I get even more riled up. I’m just not in the right headspace to hear what it is you have to say. 

• You: ‘Yes, that is exactly what tends to happen. ‘

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Interaction: Dealing with wrong answers

When you ask a question to the group, it can be challenging when a participant gives  an answer that is blatantly wrong. In order to keep interaction high two things hang in the balance here: you want to reward the person for having a go at the question and at the same time you want to make sure everyone understands what the right answer is. Dealing with wrong answers is a critical trainer skill. If you’re too harsh, the group will think twice before they answer going forward for fear of looking stupid. If you’re too quick to correct them, the group will become more reticent to answer because they already expect you to give them the answer. 

So how do you tread that balance? Here are some techniques that help you when someone gives you a wrong answer:

Option 1

• Figure out where they made a wrong turn, give them a tip and shape their way to the right answer

• ‘So you think X? Tell us why. 

• [answer] 

• ‘I see. And if you consider this [X], does your answer remain the same?’.

Option 2

• Use the group: 

• ‘Hmm, interesting. Does everyone agree, or does someone see it differently?

• [some non-verbal no’s] 

• No? Then what do you think? 

• [Right answer]

• ‘Yes, that is indeed also what the theory suggests/ Yes, that has also been my experience/ Yes, that’s right.

Option 3

• Sometimes the answer is not necessarily wrong, but just not the one you are looking for. Reward the answer and invite them to come up with another answer 

• ‘Yes, it is always an option to stop a conversation when emotions get heated. But what if you wanted to try to turn the conversation around, what could you do then?’

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Interaction: Dealing with questions

‘Always do something with a question, other than answering it.’ 

I looked at the trainer, glassy-eyed… I thought I had nailed it. Answered every question with precision. So why was  I getting this feedback? It was early days in my career, and I had just delivered part of a training session in a Train the Trainer course. The theory I had explained was quite difficult and all of the questions from the group I had answered, and answered well. I felt pretty sure every participant understood what I had tried to convey, so I didn’t see the problem. 

Not one to give up easily, I challenged: ‘but everyone understands it right?’ I even looked at the group to get some back up and to my delight got some nodding. I proudly looked back to the trainer, who smiled at me. ‘Yes, you did a pretty good job in explaining the theory. There are however other factors that are important if you want to deliver a stellar training, apart from getting people to understand. Would you be interested to find out how you did in these?’ I nodded yes. 

The trainer then asked the group: ‘By a show of fingers, rate how engaged you felt during this segment, 1 being not at all, 10 being totally.’ I received a 3, a couple of 4’s, a 5 and a 7. The trainer continued: ‘And now rate how interested you were in what Rosanne was conveying’. Now my numbers ranged from 2 to 6. Ooof, for someone that always aims for high marks, these ratings were like a punch to the gut. I got the point. I had focused so intently on nailing the theory that I had completely lost track of engagement. Yet, as a trainer, that is crucial.

Ever since that moment, I’ve  been honing the skill of delivering interactive, engaging sessions. At this point in time high levels of interaction are even one of my USP’s as a trainer. This should give you hope, since it’s clearly a trainable skill. Let me share what I’ve learned with you.

Mindset

Oftentimes it is our beliefs that hold us back from attaining a certain goal. Many trainers (myself included) hold the following belief when they start out:  

If someone asks a question, I need to answer it.

Are you too getting a pang of recognition here? This is exactly the kind of belief that will hinder you to create an engaging learning session. By giving the answers, you are doing the hard work and are not inviting the participants to think for themselves and learn something. You are only displaying your knowledge instead of helping them build some. This creates passive groups with little interaction. So our first order of business is changing our belief to:.

If someone asks a question, I use it to activate the group to learn.

Totally different ballgame, right? If you are bought into this belief, yet unclear on how you do this, read on.

How you deal with a question is influenced  by the energy that is driving the question. Let’s take a look at a couple of examples, and how you deal with them. 

Someone doesn’t understand it. 

‘So, let’s say someone keeps interrupting me. If I then give feedback and I say ‘I felt you were being rude’, is that an observation or an interpretation?’

How you could deal with it:

• Use the group

• ‘Who has an answer to this question?’

An important note—sometimes, you may not get the answer you’re looking for right away. If that’s the case, keep prompting with questions like ‘Does everyone feel the same?’  or ‘Does anyone have a different view?’. When the right answer is mentioned, but there are also different viewpoints that came from the group, your role as a trainer is to highlight the right answer. You can do this by saying: ‘Exactly!’ or ‘That is indeed also what the theory suggests’ or ‘and this is also how I look at it/my experience.’ In this way, you strengthen your role as an expert and you set the participants at ease because now it’s clear which answer is the ‘correct’ one.

• Uncover why they don’t understand it, and coach them to the right answer. Think of this as a mini-coaching moment. Instead of spoon-feeding the answer, you’re nudging them to see it themselves.

• ‘Do you remember the main difference between an observation and an interpretation? 

• [Answer: ‘Yes, an observation is a fact, and an interpretation is the meaning you assign to that fact’] 

• ‘Exactly! And is it a fact that interrupting people is rude? In other words, would everyone see it the exact same way?’

• [Answer: ‘Well I think most people would, but maybe not all…’]

• ‘So does that make that statement an interpretation or an interpretation?

• [Answer: ‘An interpretation!’]

• ‘Right!’

Someone asks a question to verify an answer they already have in their head. 

‘So, is it a good idea then to prepare your feedback in advance?’

How you could deal with it:

• Turn it around

• ‘What do you think?’

• ‘From the way you ask the question, it sounds like you already have an idea around this, am I right?

Someone asks a question because they are skeptical or not convinced of what you’re saying.

‘So when someone gets emotional I should allow space for the emotion?’

How you could deal with it:

• Address the thing that is not being said and invite them to elaborate

• ‘It sounds like you have some doubt around this, how so?’

• Reward them for speaking up and ask them a question to invite them to think for themselves 

• ‘Good question! What might be the use of doing that, do you think?’

I’m excited for you to start test-driving these approaches to handling questions! Plus, there’s a great bonus here: energy preservation. You’re now inviting participants to do the heavy lifting, which leaves you feeling way more energized—both during and after the session. You’re welcome!

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Virtual sessions: you’re either fully here or not at all

I’ve written the following from the perspective of a trainer, yet the same principle applies to all types of virtual sessions. Use it to your advantage!

True or false: It’s possible to deliver an engaging online training session from 09:00 to 16:00, leaving participants wanting more for three consecutive days.

Well? If you’re like most people you would say: ‘False!’, based on never having seen it done. I’m here to tell you that it can be done. And it can be done by YOU. How do I know this? Because I’ve done it.

Last year I facilitated an online Train the Trainer course for a lovely group of trainers dialing in from Nigeria and Uganda. I dialed in from the Netherlands and the training actor dialed in from India. That’s the modern world for you right there! This group stayed engaged, present, and eager for more each day. How? Let me tell you.

Engaging online sessions require four things. Without these prerequisites online engagement does not happen. Trust me on this one. From participants it requires presence, in the broadest sense of the word. From you as a trainer it requires effective breaks, plenty of interaction and major restraint when it comes to slides.

This blogpost will focus on the first one: Presence.

This is the amazing group of trainers from Nigeria and Uganda at the end of a three day virtual Train the Trainer course. Together, we proved that full day virtual courses that are fun, engaging and valuable are in fact possible!

Presence: you’re either fully here or not at all

Without presence of the participants - in the broadest sense of the word - a virtual session is doomed to fail. A participant is present when they are there, on time, visible, audible and paying attention. In order to ensure this is the case I always start the session with some virtual hygiene. I ask them to do three things:

During the session:

• You have your mute button OFF

• You have your camera ON

• Your focus is on the session 

As you already know from me, I rarely ask participants to do something without telling them WHY I am making that request. I invite you to create your own narrative around this, but as an inspiration, this is what I tend to say. 

As you all know from the many virtual meetings you have had in your life, many of them can be tedious, draining and boring. That is not what I intend for this session. I’m fairly certain we can create a session that is useful, engaging and fun. For this, I need your help. I will ask you to do three things.

First, contrary to what you’re used to in virtual meetings, I ask you to UNMUTE. The mute button serves as an invisible barrier to communication. I promise you that our levels of interaction will go way up when everyone complies.  Obviously, if you have someone drilling a hole in the wall next to you, feel free to mute for a moment. Other than that: Mute off. 

[What I’m not telling them, but will tell you: Unmuting also prevents participants from speaking to others, which keeps the focus on your session.]

Second, I invite you to have your camera ON throughout. A black square where your face should be is like a black hole of energy. That’s not what we want. Obviously if you’re uncomfortable to show your surroundings feel free to blur or choose a nice background for yourself. 

[A note to you: Someone having their camera off is the virtual equivalent of someone sitting with their back to the group. You wouldn’t accept that in your F2F sessions, so don’t accept it in a virtual one. I also ask participants with multiple screens to set up in such a way that they are facing the camera. Without a clear visual of participants' faces you are lacking your most important tool for creating interaction: participants’ facial expressions. ] 

Finally, I invite you to be fully present. Enjoy the luxury of doing just one thing at a time. Close your other windows. Turn off your notifications. This is your time for self-improvement, be here for it. Obviously, sometimes the nature of your job does not allow you to switch off like this. There might be something that requires your attention. I get that. If this is the case for you, feel free to give me a heads-up, leave our training session for a moment to attend to your business and rejoin our session when you’re finished.    

[Note to you: By asking them to leave the session when they need to do something else, rather than just muting/turning the camera off, you set a higher standard for distractions. In my experience you are eliminating over 50% of possible distractions.]

In order for this approach to work, it is important to show that you are serious about it. Apart from mentioning it in the beginning, you want to gently remind and/or confront anyone who doesn’t comply. Don’t let it slide because if you don’t address it, more will follow.  Addressing it can range from asking everyone to unmute again as they come back from a break-out room to inquiring what’s going on with someone who is clearly doing something else. Enforcing your virtual hygiene is an advanced art: you want to show that these are non-negotiables for you, whilst being very pleasant about it. It takes some practice, but you’ll get there. 

In very rare instances you will encounter a group that does not comply, despite your best efforts. How do you deal with that? Well, I have to admit I find that situation particularly tricky. The solution I found is not particularly elegant, but it does allow me to keep my integrity as a trainer. This is what I do. 

1. I accept that this particular session will not meet my standard for quality and it is not on me. 

2. After the session I feed back to the client that I cannot deliver quality sessions this way and ask them to take this up with the participants.

3. If nothing changes: I decline further sessions. I don’t want to tarnish the reputation of virtual sessions even further by contributing to lame, dull and uninspiring sessions.

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Introducing, Guiding and Debriefing Exercises. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Introducing exercises

‘What we’ll do next is split up into four groups. Each group will represent a color. [I create four groups and assign them a color]. For each color you will come up with the do’s and don’t in communication. You have 15 minutes for this. Are there any questions? …. No, everything clear? Okay, then good luck and see you in 15 minutes!’.

It’s early days in my training career and I’m delivering my first ever DISC training. I’m feeling pretty good about the way I’ve explained the exercise. After I send them off several people come back with questions: ‘can we use the room next door?’, ‘do you want us to write down our findings?’, ‘do we have to present it afterwards?’. I wonder why they have not asked this before. I give them the answers and walk by every group to give them the same information. I notice that two groups are doing the exercise wrong. Again I wonder why, I’ve been clear in my instructions, right? I correct them and they proceed. After 10 minutes, everyone is finally doing what I intended. I give them a bit more time, so that everyone has a chance to finish.

As a trainer, introducing exercises is a skill you want to absolutely crush. The impact of your session depends on it. Obviously, I had not crushed this skill at the beginning of my career. And that’s perfectly normal. It takes practice, time, and failure to finally learn to do it well. What helps to get you there faster is to understand the method to the magic of great exercise instruction. And wouldn’t you know, I’m about to share that with you here! Let’s dive in. 

The method to the magic

01. Why

Remember how I mentioned that in order to be a great trainer you have to employ your sales skills from time to time? Well, this is one of those moments.  

The ‘why’ of an exercise is the rationale behind it, emphasizing the benefit for the participants. It explains how the exercise ties into the overarching goal of the session and what the participants will get out of it. When you share this ‘why’ you ‘sell’ the exercise to the participants and create buy-in. This is the step that many trainers forget. They immediately jump into the ‘how’, just as I did in the example above. 

You can get creative with the story. Here are some options using the DISC example from above:

• Link to the learning goals ‘Many of you wanted to learn how to forge better connections with people that have a different style than you. This is the exercise where you will create the toolbox to do exactly that. Sounds good? [check for non-verbal buy-in]’

• Personal example ‘A couple of years ago I had a job interview with the director of Google Netherlands. I brought all of my enthusiasm to this interview and for all this enthusiasm I didn’t receive so much as a smile. I thought this meant he did not like me and went into enthusiasm overdrive to invoke some reaction. Response: nothing. I left the interview dejected and sure I did not get the job. Who of you recognises the experience of trying your best to connect, but not succeeding? [wait for some reactions]. If I had had this training I would have realized that his neutral expression did not necessarily signify that he did not like me, it could simply that he had a different style than me. And if I had done this next exercise in particular I would have known how to remain calm and tweak my personal style to better connect with him. Sounds interesting? [check for non-verbal buy-in]. All right!’

• Start with the gains. 'If you’re interested in improving your ability to connect with people of all styles, this exercise will be right up your alley. Who’s in? [check for non-verbal buy-in]’   

02. How

This is where you explain what the exercise entails. You describe what they are about to do and illustrate what success looks like. 

Using the example above you might say:

What we’ll do is split the group up into four. Each group gets assigned one of the four DISC colors. The challenge is to come up with at least three do’s and three don’ts in communicating with that respective color. What we’ll end up with is a toolbox for forging better connections with each respective style that you can start applying in your day-to-day. Sounds good? [wait for some reactions]

03. What

This is where you break the process down in steps and communicate the available resources for doing the exercise. Things to mention are: time, roles, group composition, location and materials. 

Using the example from above you might say:

Each group will consist of all persons that have that color as their primary color. So if your primary color is red, you will go in the red group and so on. [check for non-verbal signs of understanding]. You have 15 minutes to come up with at least three do’s and three don’ts. You will write them on a flip-over that you can get from me. Two groups can remain in this room, the other two groups can use the break-out room next door. Afterwards you will present your findings to the rest of the group, so make sure you choose a presenter. 

04. Check

Let me guarantee you this: especially if you’re new to this structured way of introducing exercises you’re not going to get it right every time. This is why though, this last step - Check -  is so important. Here, you fish out all the essential information that you have failed to communicate before and send participants off with everything they need to ace the exercise. 

Most trainers do this check by using one of these two questions: 

‘Is everything clear?/ Are there any questions?’

After you’ve finished reading this chapter you will not be one of them. In fact, you will have banished these two sentences from your trainer-vocabulary altogether. You will have done this because you have come to this understanding:

• These sentences feel perfunctory and don’t invite a reply

• The lay the burden of understanding with the participant rather than with you the trainer

Instead, you will check for understanding by using both of these questions:

‘Have I explained this clearly?’ [wait for reactions]

+ 

‘What questions remain about how to do this exercise?’ [wait for reactions]

These are the questions you will use  because you’ve come to this understanding:

• The burden of understanding should be with you as a trainer, so that people feel at ease to ask their questions.

• Implying that having questions is the normal thing invites more responses

• Using these two questions in a row demonstrates that you’re serious about getting some answers.

I am so excited about you getting to test-drive this way of instructing exercises! Yes, it will feel mechanical at first, as with any new method. If you stick with it though, these steps will become second nature and you don’t have to think about it anymore. For me, learning to do this really well has had a tremendous impact on the impact of my trainings and my confidence as a trainer. I’m positive it’ll do the same for you.

---

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Introducing, Guiding and Debriefing Exercises. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Holding space for emotion

If you are uncomfortable when faced with someone’s emotional reaction, this post is for you. If you draw a blank when someone displays a difficult emotion and are insecure about what to do, read on. This article will give you a handle on how to navigate the situation in a way that de-escalates the emotion and strengthens the relationship: through the concept of holding space. Holding space is the practice of being present for someone without judgment, providing them with a safe environment to process whatever it is they are going through. 

This article came about because over the years I’ve seen many people-managers putting off important conversations because they were dreading the emotions that might come up.  It could be telling someone that they would not be promoted, delivering the news that a contract wouldn’t get extended, giving someone some difficult feedback or inquiring after someone whose mental health they were worried about. As a result, important topics were addressed too late or not at all. 

Fortunately, holding space is a highly trainable skill. For this, I’ll share 5 tools with you. If you put the effort in and practice making them your own, I promise you will be able to skillfully navigate these conversations. 

01. Mindset

First things first: You’ve got to get your head on straight if you want to do this right. How? The way you interpret the fact that the other person is having an emotional reaction will determine your ability to deal with the situation. These are some interpretations I’ve encountered over the years. ***Spoiler alert: these are not helping you…

That the other person is having a emotional reaction means that:

• I have done something wrong

• I need to fix it

• the other person is not able to have this conversation right now

Having this mindset will influence your feelings and behavior. You will probably feel triggered and uncomfortable. Behavior-wise, you might jump into solution-mode or shut down the conversation. Both approaches will more likely exacerbate the emotion than alleviate it. So you’re going to need another mindset to allow you to hold space. This is the mindset that will help you:

That the other person is having a emotional reaction means that:

• I have done something wrong → this person has been triggered and that’s human and okay

• I need to fix it → I can support this person by holding space

• the other person is not able to have this conversation right now → I can facilitate this person to process their emotion so we can continue our conversation

Now that you’re operating from the right mindset, let’s explore what tools you might use to help the other person process their emotion.

02. Silence

Let me start with the most effective tool bar none: silence. As someone is having an emotional reaction, just allowing for some silence will go a long way in helping the other person move through the emotion and regain their composure. No action required. This sounds so simple, yet it is not easy. Most people are really uncomfortable with silence. The reason is the way people interpret silence. So here, we also have to change our mind about silence:

Silence means that:

• the other person is waiting for me to speak → the other person needs some time to regain their composure

• the other person is uncomfortable by my not speaking →the other person is so preoccupied with their own emotional reaction that they’re probably not even registering the silence. The only person that’s uncomfortable is me and I can handle that. 

03. Labeling

Through silence you allow for someone to move through the emotion at their own pace. Through labeling you can accelerate this process. Labeling is putting words to what you sense is going on with the other person. Invaluable sentences for this start with these words:

• It looks like… this caught you off guard / you’re struggling

• It sounds like… you have a lot on your plate right now / you’re frustrated

• It seems like… this is not what you expected / you’re rattled by this

• It feels like… you’re disappointed / you’re having difficulty digesting that

When you use a sentence like this, you subtly invite the other person to reflect. The other is invited to look at the emotion rather than be in the emotion. This helps to slow down the build-up of the emotion.

Two expert tips:

• A sentence like this needs to be followed by silence for the effect to kick in.

• Don’t use the similar: I see/I hear/I feel/I notice. They make your remark about you rather than the other person. 

Note: I picked these sentences up in Chris Voss’ book: Never split the difference. A must read if you're interested in how to build better connections with people. 

04. Voice

When you label, the effect will be heavily influenced by your delivery. You want to pay attention to the voice that you use. In this situation, the way you tend to speak when you want to ‘get stuff done’ is not your friend. When you’re holding space for someone you want to use the vocal equivalent of sitting by the fireplace under a blanket with a cup of tea in your hand. Too abstract? Let me break it down. You can adjust your voice like this:

• Bring down the pace, talk slower

• Bring down the pitch, talk lower

• Use a downward inflection. Have the intonation go down at the end of your sentence. 

For an example: Stephen Bartlett uses this type of voice a lot in his podcast Diary of a CEO. 

05. Empathy

This last one comes with a disclaimer: only use this when it’s genuine. It will have an adverse effect if you don’t really mean it. According to Brené Brown empathy is connecting with people so we know we're not alone when we're in struggle. You can show empathy through your words and through your non-verbals. 

Through words:

• I can understand… this is a really difficult situation / your disappointment

• I can imagine… your struggle / that this is a tough pill to swallow

• I can relate to… your sense of frustration / the way you’re feeling right now

• I recognize the feeling of [fill in the blank] and it’s really hard/tough.

Through non-verbals:

• Head slightly tilted

• Understanding expression, though not condescending

• Slight nodding

• This last one might be a bit odd: if the other person is sighing, I tend to sigh along. It creates a feeling of sharing the burden and giving the other person the feeling that they’re not alone. Obviously, don’t overdo it. 

I can’t wait for you to start trying this out for yourself. My advice is to not try to implement the tools all at once. Start with one or two, make them your own, and once you feel comfortable using them, add the next. This way you ensure you come across as being authentic, rather than ‘trying some new trick’. Let me know how you fare!

If you feel like you need a little bit more help to really make this your own, don’t hesitate to be in touch. The session Creation Depth in my Inspire to Lead programme for first time leaders covers this skill.

Opening a session: Selling the training to participants

When I left my job at Google 10 years ago I never wanted to be in sales again. Not my cup of tea, thank you very much. Imagine the irony when I discovered that in order to be a great trainer, you still need to employ your sales skills on the regular. Introducing the goal of the session is the first moment for this. 

During the session you will invite participants to step out of their comfort zone. As the wording implies this isn’t necessarily -well- comfortable… Participants may feel awkward, uneasy or vulnerable as they try something new. Therefore, few people will venture out of their comfort zone without a good reason. There needs to be something worth having outside of your comfort zone  to endure the discomfort that inevitably follows when you leave it. The goal of the session is that reason. It is this goal that you have to ‘sell’ to the participants. 

You do this by framing the goal in such a way that it appeals to your participants.  It needs to be so alluring that they buy into it and sign up for whatever is coming next. 

Now I can imagine you might be curious what a ‘salesy’ goal might sound like. In that case, fret not: here are two examples.  

• Training Protecting your Focus: ‘In our chats before the session you’ve mentioned that this quarter is especially busy for your company. Some of you told me that it feels like treading water sometimes, keeping up with all of the things that need to get done. In times like these it is increasingly difficult to remain focused on the things that matters most, am I right? [check for non-verbal confirmation]. This session has been designed for you to enable you to keep that focus, even when demands are high. Sounds good? [hold space for some reactions].’

• Training Situational Leadership: ‘Since you have all started leading your own team in the last year, you’ve probably noticed already that there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to leadership. Different people in your team require different things from you at different times. [check non-verbals of the group to gauge whether this resonates]. Figuring out what approach would work best in a specific situation can be difficult and actually carrying out what you intended can prove a struggle. The two days of training ahead of us will tackle these two challenges. By enabling you to become flexible in the leadership style you display, you will yield better results with your team. How does that sound? [hold space for some reactions]’

Have you noticed that I’ve inserted space in my delivery of the goal for some (non-)verbal reactions from the group? You probably suspect by now that that is intentional. You would be right. I take in their reactions to gauge whether they are on board with what I’m saying. If their reactions are positive, I keep going.  If their responses are lukewarm, that is my first cue that there might be some resistance that has to be addressed. How you do this will be tackled in a later blogpost.  

Let me share three common pitfalls you might want to elegantly step around as you start putting this into practice:

• Skipping the goal altogether. That sounds something like: ‘So today’s topic is Bad News Conversations. In the morning we’ll learn the  4 steps of delivering bad news and how to avoid the most common pitfalls and in the afternoon we’ll practice with your own cases.’ By skipping the goal, you deny participants the opportunity to buy into the end result and build up intrinsic motivation for the session ahead. Plus, you miss the moment to check for possible resistance. 

• Mistaking the means for the end. This sounds something like: ‘The goal for today’s session is to learn how to give feedback and practice with your own cases’ In fact it is not. Those two things are merely means to achieve a bigger goal. That goal might sound like: ‘The goal for today’s session is to empower you to build a high-performing team. How you as a manager encourage effective behavior and discourage ineffective behavior will heavily influence how your team performs. The tool you have for this is feedback. At the end of this day, you will feel more confident in giving feedback and you will have the skills to deliver the feedback in such a way that it motivates the employee to develop while nurturing the relationship.’ 

• Framing the goal from the company’s point of view. This sounds something like: ‘So the reason for today’s session is that the Employee Engagement Survey showed that 73% of employees feel they do not receive enough feedback from their managers. By spending the next two days learning how to give and receive feedback the goal is to bring that number down to less than 20% by the end of next year.’ Even though this might very well be the reason the training is happening, framing it in this way is a no-go. Why? Because it is unclear to participants what is in it for them personally. Only when you frame the goal in such a way that it communicates an end-result worth having for the individual participant will you entice them to leave comfort behind and go on the training-journey with you.  

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Opening a Session. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Opening a session: The training starts before the training

As I enter the virtual training session I am welcomed by a slide that says: ‘Welcome, the training will start at 09:00’. The trainer is muted and typing. He doesn’t acknowledge me nor the other participants dripping in. For the 5 minutes left before the start of the training everyone just sits there, on mute, somewhat uncomfortable, somewhat bored. At 09:00 the trainer looks up from his keyboard and opens the training. As he gets to the introductions, he asks: ‘I’d love to get to know you all! Who would like to start by introducing themselves?’ He is met with a sullen silence.

This trainer obviously did not receive a very important memo with regards to training: The training starts before the training. Take a moment to let that phrase sink in. What does it mean for you?

Okay, cut to a different example. 

As I approach the training space I hear some faint music. When I walk through the door I see a trainer behind his computer, singing along to some Blues Brothers music. He is obviously enjoying himself. When notices me, he stands up and walks up to greet me with a big smile on his face. We get into some small talk as he asks me about my job, how I am looking forward to today’s session and my taste in music (he noticed me singing along to one of the songs). As other participants come in, they’re met with the same welcome and he includes them in the small talk. When it’s time to start he redirects the conversation to the topic of the training by saying: ‘09:00, let’s get this show on the road!’. As he gets to introductions he says: ‘Let’s do an official introduction round, so we get to know each other better. Who’ll go first?’ Immediately, two people raise their hands.

This trainer had achieved what ‘the training starts before the training’ is alluding to: He had us in his pocket before the training had started. Even though this training took place years before I decided to become a trainer myself I always remembered this session. I used it as an inspiration for how I start my sessions. I’ll share my checklist with you, in the hope it inspires you in turn. 

• 20 minutes before start time: Prep Done. Room set up to my liking? Check. Presentation plugged in? Check. Went to the bathroom? Check. Wrote my flips? Check. Training Materials in place? Check. Got my morning tea? Check. 

• Music & Chill. Put on some music and chill until the first participant drops in. A few notes on music… 

• Go for something you  enjoy, don’t pick something for the participants. The participants are influenced more by your demeanor than the music. Also, if you pick something unique to you that tends to be a nice conversation starter. Obviously, you do want to be mindful of the setting you are in. If you are into death metal or gangster rap I would say Rock on, but choose something more middle of the road for the session. 

• Tailor the vibe of music to what you need in the moment. Participants are stressed and high in energy because of the commute? Pick something mellow and slower-paced.  Participants are lethargic after lunch? Pick something lighthearted and upbeat. 

• An additional benefit of having music playing is that it makes it very easy to transition to the actual session. You simply turn off the music, and you will automatically have everyone’s attention. No need for raising your voice. As a music-lover though I have one request for you. For the love of Pete, do not turn the music off mid-song. Anyone who’s into music like me will have a short-circuit in their brain and they will need at least half an hour to recover from that musical faux-pas. So please, wait ‘til the end of the song or do an elegant fade-out. On behalf of all music lovers everywhere: I thank you.

• Smile & Welcome. Walk up to each participant, welcome them and point them to the big 3: coat rack, toilet, coffee machine. By walking up to them you immediately establish yourself as the trainer and the one in charge. Names are a big deal. Make a point to remember them and get the pronunciation 100 % correct. You want participants to feel seen and welcome, and learning people’s names is your first step to get there. If remembering names is not your forte, do make your own life easier by using name tags or writing them down. If you’re seeing the group for the second time, study the participant list beforehand so you can greet people by name as much as possible. 

• Talk Small. If small talk doesn’t come naturally to you and you’d rather skip this part, may I advise against it? These seemingly innocuous conversations aren’t mere fillers. They serve you as a trainer in many ways. Really? Yes! In these conversations with participants you:

• …dig up information that is relevant to the training.What’s their attitude towards the training? Are they excited, neutral, resistant or something else? How  are they doing? Are they hung-over because they had the company Christmas party the day before? Are they anxious because the company is in a re-org and they’re fearing for their jobs? This is stuff you want to know about before the training starts, because it will influence how you might approach the session.

• … form an image of participants’ daily reality. This you can then use during the training to create examples that are recognizable and relevant to participants, creating a custom-feel. 

• … win them over with your personality so you have participants in your pocket before the training starts.

• Express interest. Most participants can sniff out the difference between genuine and feigned interest in a heartbeat. So do bring an attitude of true curiosity to your small talk. Make sure you respond to what they’re sharing with a follow-up question, because the most interesting information lies hidden behind the second or third follow-up question. 

• Include everyone. Since your goal is to have the whole group in your pocket before the session starts avoid deep one-on-one conversations with a single participant, however interesting the topic may be. Actively engage others by saying something like: ‘We were just discussing…/ Did you also experience…/ How is that for your department?’

So now you too have received the memo and it’s up to you to make it your own and create your own unique ways to greet, engage and connect with your participants.  When your moment arrives, I trust you share the memo in turn, so together we uplift the game and dazzle all of our future participants with a welcome that’s surprising, warm and engaging.

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Opening a Session. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.