Virtual sessions: Slides

Restraint, restraint, RESTRAINT

Remember my general rule of thumb with regards to the use of slides? Use the minimum amount of slides necessary to get the job done. Anything beyond the minimum makes participants either lazy or distracted.  In a virtual session you have other means at your disposal to distribute information, like chat, which means the minimum amount of slides necessary to get the job done goes down.  

You can bring the number of slides down even further by investing in a digital paper tablet that allows you to share your screen, like a Remarkable. This creates a more interactive and spontaneous feel, as participants see you build models step by step, just like with a flip-over in a physical room.

To give you an idea: in a simple 3 hour session on feedback I will generally use 1 slide: the slide with the feedback model. Really - just one slide.. Everything else—like the agenda, exercise instructions or evaluation link—I communicate directly or via the chat to keep engagement high.

You might have your doubts because I’m making it somewhat harder for participants to get the right information. It’s not presented to them on a silver platter through slides. And this is exactly the point. In doing so, I make sure that they pay attention. 

In the end, attention is the highest currency in any session. By minimizing slides and making information just a bit harder to grasp, you’re inviting participants to stay alert, lean in, and actively process what you’re saying. And that’s exactly the kind of engagement you want.

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Virtual Sessions. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Leading with Intent: Mastering Assertiveness in Communication

The importance of choosing your words with intent

When you are in a position of leadership, an easy way to increase your ability to influence is to start choosing your words with intention. Phrasing something just right might be the difference between acceptance and full-blown resistance, or between a deepening or weakening of a relationship. 

As a leader, assertiveness is an essential skill. It’s the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries clearly, confidently and respectfully while also being considerate of those of others. Simple as though it may sound, this is not an easy skill. Put too much emphasis on what you want and you become aggressive. Place too much weight on what others need and you become passive. 

One of the most powerful ways to strike this balance is through your choice of words—specifically, how you contrast ideas. Two small phrases, BUT and AT THE SAME TIME, allow you to express assertiveness in nuanced ways. They give you the power to balance authority with consideration, and in this article, we’ll explore how each one can shape your leadership influence. Ready? Let’s dive in! 

BUT versus AT THE SAME TIME

It’s important to be clear on what you are actually communicating when you are using these different phrases. Consider these two sentences

• I understand that you’d like an additional week to get this done, BUT unfortunately I’m not  in a position to extend the deadline.

• I understand that you’d like an additional week to get this done, AT THE SAME TIME I’m not in a position to extend the deadline.

Did you notice the subtle but important difference between these two phrases?

• Using BUT signals that your point of view takes precedence. You are communicating that in this instance, your view goes, and you want to move forward without extending the deadline.

• Using AT THE SAME TIME suggests both perspectives are equally important. You are inviting the other person to consider a new data point. You want to move forward by looking for solutions that take both viewpoints into account. 

You might ask yourself: which one is better? And I’ll give you my favorite answer: it depends. What does it depend on? I’ll dive into that next.

When to use BUT…

There will be moments in your leadership career when it’s necessary for you to make the final call. It might be because in that particular instance you are the expert, you have authority or you are the leader. This is a moment where BUT will serve you well. Examples:

• ‘I appreciate that you might want to include feature X in this sprint, BUT (as product owner) for now I’m deciding against it in favour of making the deadline.’

• ‘I understand that you’d like to fill out the evaluation tomorrow, but (from my years of experience as a trainer) I will ask you to do it now, since fill-out rates plummet once the session is over.’

In these situations you are effectively influencing through power. 

There are some downsides too:

• Use it too often, and you risk eroding trust and creating a hierarchical dynamic where your team feels undervalued or dismissed. This could lead to disengagement or resentment.

• Use it at the wrong moment (for example, during brainstorming), and you could stifle additional contributions from team members.. ‘Yes, that might look really nice, but have you considered the cost?’

• If you use BUT when challenging someone in a higher authority position, you risk coming across as petulant. ‘I understand you want me to do this, but I am swamped in work already!’

You’ve probably come to the conclusion that you want to use your BUT sparingly. In leadership, the thoughtful use of AT THE SAME TIME opens doors for collaboration and balance, often leading to more sustainable results.

When to use AT THE SAME TIME

I am a huge fan of AT THE SAME TIME. I think every leader should add it to their repertoire. Why? Because it allows you to navigate many complex situations by balancing multiple perspectives at once. Use it when…

• … you want to add an overlooked point of view to a discussion without dismissing what’s been said before.

‘I very much like the creativity in this idea. AT THE SAME TIME, I’m wondering about its technical feasibility. What are your thoughts?’

• … you are in a position of authority, yet you are open to discussion.

‘I’m leaning towards Marina’s proposal. AT THE SAME TIME, it’s crucial to me that everyone is on board with this. What’s needed to get everyone on the same page?’

• … you want to steer towards a certain outcome without imposing your authority. 

‘I very much value the discussion you are having, AT THE SAME TIME, I’m concerned about time. May I suggest we leave it here for now and pick this up in our next team meeting?’

• … you want to challenge someone with higher authority than you

‘I can see the benefit of adding this project to our list of priorities, AT THE SAME TIME, I do not see how we can deliver on our priorities with our current capacity’

• … you want to course-correct someone’s behavior who is prone to defensiveness

‘It looks like you and Alessia spend a lot of time together and you’re getting on very well, AT THE SAME TIME, to me it’s important that everyone feels included in the team. Would it be possible to make a conscious effort to include Darius?

In these situations, using AT THE SAME TIME allows you to influence others through consideration, while promoting dialogue, mutual respect, and a more inclusive approach to decision-making.

Final thought

In leadership, the words you choose have the power to shape not only decisions but also relationships. Mastering phrases like BUT and AT THE SAME TIME can elevate your ability to influence, collaborate, and create lasting, positive change.

Interaction: Using non-verbal cues

If you’ve ever complained about a group because they were not saying anything (as I have in the past), this bit is for you. Since mastering the skill I’m about to share, I no longer struggle with getting people to speak up. Here’s something I’ve come to know for sure: 

The group is always speaking. 

It might not be with words, but the communication is there- all the time - waiting for you to engage. Non-verbal communication is always present. 

Once you learn to pick up on and use the groups’ non-verbal cues, you will notice it’s many advantages:

• Your participants will feel valued and important.

• Your participants will feel seen by you and therefore feel the need to be present/participate.

• Your participants will feel invited to speak up.

• You’ll uncover tensions that could hinder the training—before they actually do.

Step 1: Noticing non-verbal cues

Your first order of business is to start noticing these cues. Dedicate some mental capacity to keeping an eye on your participants at all times. Here are some key signals to watch for:

Step 2: Responding to non-verbal cues

Once you start noticing these signals, it’s time to use them in your communication. You have two options:

Indirect approach

This is when you pick up on a cue and let it inform your actions/decisions as a trainer. For example:

• The group slouched in their chairs with an unfocused gaze in their eyes.

• You assume they’re tired and you decide to take a break. 

• Someone looks puzzled when you’re giving an instruction. 

• You assume that they don’t get it yet and ask the group: ‘Can someone repeat my instruction to see if I have explained it clearly?’.

• Someone is sitting slightly outside of the training circle. 

• You assume they feel left out and direct your next question to them to involve them.

Using this approach brings you an advantage, a potential problem and a missed opportunity.

• Advantage: Especially if you have some years of experience under your belt, your people-reading skills will probably be above average. Adjusting your style and decisions based on this will allow you fine-tune your approach that much better. 

• Potential problem: You are using assumptions. From time to time your assumptions will be wrong. Whatever action or decision you make as a consequence might not fit the situation. Let’s look at the first example. The group might be slouched and with an unfocused gaze not because they’re tired, but because you have been talking for far too long and they have completely lost interest. A break will not solve the fact that you need to learn to speak less and involve the group more.

• Missed opportunity: Using an indirect approach you are not making the group aware of the fact that you are paying attention to them. You will miss out on the opportunity to make them feel seen and all of the effects that come from that. Using only an indirect approach therefore, as most beginner trainers do, will not boost interaction and engagement. Adding a direct approach to your repertoire will help you solve this problem. 

Direct approach

This is when you pick up on a cue and then:

1. call it out

2. invite a response

3. let the information that comes up inform your actions/decisions. 

Obviously, there are many ways of calling out these cues. Especially if you’re starting out though, there is a formula that can provide you with an easy way to approach this:

‘It looks/feels/seems/sounds like… [insert your assumption]’ 

followed by a pause that invites the person or the group to reply 

The information that comes up based off of this will then inform your actions/decisions. In many cases you would need one or two follow-up questions to get to the right information.

Example 1

You’ve asked a question. No one answers, but someone looks like one participant might have a thought around this.

• You: ‘It looks like an answer is brewing in your head!’ 

• Participant: ‘Well yeah, I was thinking it might be …’

Example 2

Someone makes a sceptical-sounding noise in response to what you’ve just said.

• You: ‘It sounds like you might have your reservations around this?’

• Participant: ‘Well, I think there would be some definite risks in approaching it like this’

• You: ‘How so?’

• Participant: ‘Well, because …’

• You: ‘Well that’s definitely something to consider… Does everyone feel the same?’

Example 3

Group looks tired and absent-minded

• You: ‘It feels like we have a challenge in the energy-department, what’s up?’

• [silence and some uncomfortable glances]

• You: ‘It seems like there might be something going on that I’m unaware of?’

• Participant: ‘Well, we’ve been listening for a while now and since it’s quite hot, I think that’s impacting our energy levels’

• You: ‘Thank you for that, I appreciate it. It seems I might have fallen into that illustrious trainer-pitfall of talking too much, am I right?’

• [some relieved smiles and confirmations]

• You: ‘All right, what do you say to a break right now, and then we’ll move into an exercise after the break?’

Why I love the direct approach

My absolute favorite thing about this direct approach is that you uncover tensions that might hinder the training at an early stage. Example 2 (scepticism) and 3 (tired & absent) would, if unaddressed, probably turn into full blown resistance later on. By identifying this early and addressing it in the moment, you prevent tensions from escalating and resistance from building up.

Final thought

If you start paying attention to non-verbal cues, you’ll never have to wonder why a group isn’t talking again—because they are talking. You just have to learn how to listen.

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Virtual sessions: Breaks

A case of life or death by screen

Alright, let’s talk requirement #2 for engaging online sessions: Effective breaks. If I were to spend some time digging into research I would probably find some scientific evidence that supports what you and I have already experienced for ourselves: online sessions are more taxing than face to face sessions. Therefore, online engagement is determined just as much by how you take your breaks as by how you conduct the session. 

You want to take your breaks superserious, both for yourself and for participants. This means:

• Take a break of at least 10 minutes every hour. No exceptions! 

• Lunch needs to be at least 45 minutes, but preferably an hour. 

• It is not enough to just announce a break and send participants off. You want to introduce your breaks with a certain gravitas.  An example of what you might say:

• ‘Allright, it’s time for a crucial part in our programme: a break! Since we’re probably all experiencing that doing a virtual session is quite intense for both our eyes and our brains I invite you to get intentional about your break. Recharge effectively. My tip to you: step away from any and all screens. If you spend your break behind a screen I can promise you you’ll have a fried brain at the end of our session. What to do instead? Take a walk, go outside, have a coffee, put on some music and have yourself a little dance, anything that works for you. If it gets you away from a screen and into some movement: that’s what we’re looking for. See you in 10!” 

• During the breaks, as a trainer, always turn off your camera and mute. This demonstrates that you yourself are practicing what you preach, having a proper break.

• As participants are returning from their first break you might enquire about what they did during their break. Celebrate great break ideas. It serves two purposes: it gets participants in talking-mode again and building a culture of proper break-taking.

Building a learning culture: Discouraging Behaviors

I know I have to do something. I am two hours into the training and I see at least three participants lean back and zoom out. The cause of this is my inability to manage the participant to my left. I have rarely met a participant so invested in the training and eager to learn. In his eagerness however, he is taking up a lot of space. Too much space in this case. No question is left unanswered by him and he contributes a lot of examples of his own. The less vocal people in the group are unable to get a word in. Even though I’ve tried to engage them in the conversation, the balance is still off. 

Take a moment for yourself to think about how you would approach this situation. How can you get this participant to tone it down while not dampening their spirits? What words would you use? Would you say it in the group? Would you take them aside?

A positive approach to correcting behaviors

All right, have you figured out your response? That’s great. Give yourself a thumbs-up for doing this mental work-out. Were you able to strike that elegant balance between correcting behavior and keeping enthusiasm? This has been one of the skills I have needed to develop over the years. When I started out as a trainer I had no problem correcting undesirable behavior, but the approach I took had a stern-teacher-like quality to it (it still pops up for me from time to time, I have to admit). The result was that the behavior stopped, but the participant lost appetite for the session because they felt put down. After years of trial and error I’ve finally stumbled upon a great method to do this. Are you ready for it? 

Curious how this plays out in practice? This is how I used the method with that eager participant. I decided to approach him during the break. This is what I said:

• ‘Since the beginning of the session I have already spotted two qualities that you bring to the table that I really appreciate: your zest for learning and your quick-wit.’ 

(Important note: I meant what I said. I really did appreciate this about him. I would not recommend making stuff up here that you don’t really mean. People can sense it if you’re disingenuous and then this method will backfire.)

• ‘Because you are so fast in contributing though, I notice other participants are leaning back, because they are having difficulty getting a word in.’

• ‘Can I invite you to play around with the concept of giving space and taking up space? You might do this by allowing some time to pass before you ask a question, or checking other’s non-verbals to see if they’re about to say something.’

The result of this intervention? We ended up having a conversation in which the participant opened up by saying that this was feedback that he had had before. He shared that there were more situations in his life where his enthusiasm caused him to take up a lot of (and sometimes too much) space. Because of the practical tips I had given him he was eager to try giving more space in practice. During the rest of the session I noticed him deliberately waiting before jumping in with a response and as a result the balance of participation in the session was restored. 

Why this works: the power of recognition

Time and time again I’ve noticed this way of correcting behavior works. My suspicion is that it is in the first step where the magic lies. By recognizing the quality in the behavior or the positive intention you convey a message of: I see you and I appreciate you. When someone makes you feel like that, any message that follows becomes much more digestible and motivation to do something different increases. When teaching this method to other trainers many find it difficult to come up with the quality or positive intention. Especially if you find a particular behavior annoying as a trainer, it can be difficult to find the positive. To give you an idea of the things you could say, here are a couple of example situations and possible approaches. 

Practical Examples: Applying the Method in Different Situations

Situation: As you are discussing theory one participant asks a lot of very detailed questions. This takes up too much time and you notice other participants getting bored. 

Approach: 

1. ‘I appreciate the thoroughness you bring to really understanding this theory’ 

2. ‘Being mindful of the time we have, my concern is that when we go into this level of detail we will not have enough time for this next exercise’.

3. ‘Are you okay with leaving it here for the moment to move into this exercise? I’d be happy to answer any questions that remain during the break’.

Situation: As the group is continuously late in coming back from the break. There is no ill will, but they are having such a good time together that they forget about the time. 

Approach:

1. ‘I love how you are getting on as a group, it really shows the bond you’ve created over the course of these training days’ 

2. ‘A byproduct of this is that the breaks take longer than we agreed upon, leaving me with a challenge to run the programme AND get you home on time’.

3. ‘Can I challenge you to definitely keep on having the fun you’re having whilst also returning from the break on the agreed upon time?’.

Situation: As someone is sharing something vulnerable they get emotional. Uncomfortable by the show of emotion some participants immediately move into rushed action by getting a glass of water, patting the back of the emotional participant and trying to console them. 

Approach:

1. ‘I appreciate the compassion that you demonstrate.’

2. ‘When someone gets emotional though, just being present and holding space for the emotion is usually the most supportive gesture. Directly moving into action can be counter to the natural processing of emotions.’

3. ‘Can I invite you to experiment with just holding space and giving the other person some time to move through their emotion?’

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Stretch - the balance between safety and challenge. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Delivering Bad News

One of my favorite skills-sessions to deliver is Bad News Conversations. Why? Because there is such a huge delta between how participants come in and how they leave a session. This is a highly trainable skill. Everyone can learn it. Yes, you too! And when you do you’re going to reap the reward both in your personal and professional life. Your relationships will be the better for it because this is a trust-building skill. 

So, let’s dive in. I  will walk you through using the right mindset, understanding different types of bad news, and using a four-step method to navigate these conversations effectively.

Mindset

In my experience the biggest obstacle to  navigating bad news conversations is mindset. So if we want to get better, that’s our first port of call. 

The way you think about a situation influences your ability to deal with that situation. In the case of delivering bad news, there are some thought patterns that are going to make it impossible for you to navigate that conversation effectively. For example, if you think that you should be able to deliver the news in such a way that the other person doesn’t get emotional, you are setting yourself up for failure. Having an emotional reaction to bad news is human, and if you don’t allow the recipient of the news to have that reaction the conversation will be stunted. 

Therefore, you need to check your mindset at the door before going into the conversation. Shifting your mindset allows you to navigate these conversations with greater empathy and effectiveness. Below is a guide to reframing your thoughts.

Types of bad news

We can distinguish two types of bad news: 

1. A decision has been made that is unfavorable for you. Examples:

1. You will not be promoted this round

2. You are not getting a raise

3. Your contract will not be extended

4. You will get a NOT MEET on your performance review

2. Something happened that has an adverse effect on you. Examples:

1. Your computer was stolen from the office last night

2. I accidentally deleted your presentation

3. Your flight to the sales conference in Vegas was canceled due to a hurricane

4. Our commercial wasn’t nominated for  a Gouden Loeki this year

The method below will work for both types of news.

The method to the magic

All right, let's continue with understanding the structure of a bad news conversation.  This type of conversation consists of four steps. The emotional state of the receiver determines when you can move on to the next step. I’ll first walk you through the general idea and then give you tips and tricks for each step. Consider the following graph:

When you’re delivering bad news the first step is breaking the message. Chances are that the receiver of the bad news will then have some kind of emotional response. It could be disappointment, disbelief, anger, sadness, frustration, grief, numbness or something else. You can see this in the graph in the green line going up horizontally. When it crosses the dotted line the receiver is no longer rational. You will recognize this mostly through their non-verbals. 

Now pay attention, I’m about to share something vital…

In this state, the receiver is no longer able to process any information. Why? When someone experiences intense emotions, their brain's limbic system takes over. This temporarily overrides the rational thinking processes of the prefrontal cortex, making it difficult for them to process information or engage in logical reasoning. The single biggest mistake you can make when your counterpart is in this state  is to continue your story: present the arguments that support the decision, or provide the reasons that led to this outcome. Because what happens? Anything you say will put fuel to the fire. You don’t feel heard, the receiver doesn’t accept the decision/situation, you end up arguing: misery all around. 

It doesn’t have to be this way. What you should do instead, is hold space for the emotion to allow the receiver to calm down again. This is the second step of delivering bad news. At one point, the non-verbals of the receiver will give you an indication that they are able to talk rationally again. This is the point where the green line crosses the dotted line again on the way down. Then, and only then, will you continue to step 3: present the arguments that support the decision (for type 1 bad news), or provide the reasons that led to this outcome (for type 2 bad news).

Now you might think then that you are in the clear, the emotional part being behind you. Well maybe, maybe not. It frequently happens, especially if someone didn’t calm down as much as you’d thought, that someone’s emotions flare up again as you present the arguments. If this is the case, stay calm and move back to step 2. The key thing remains: don’t try to have a rational conversation with someone in an emotional state.

When you get them to calm down again, retry step 3. When you’ve given your arguments, with no more emotional flare-ups, it’s time to move over to step 4, Becoming clear on what the next steps are going to be.

Now let’s dive a little deeper into each step, to set you up right for your conversations to come:

Step 1: Break the message

This is something you could and should prepare. This is usually one or two sentences, followed by a pause. Examples:

• ‘I’m sorry to inform you your contract will not be extended…’

• ‘I have reviewed your request for a raise and unfortunately I am unable to approve it at this point…’

• ‘I’ve called to let you know that we’ve decided to offer the job to another candidate…’

Do NOT forget the pause. It is vital for a couple of reasons. 

1. The pause underlines the finality of the message. It highlights that it is what it is, no more wiggle room.

2. It gives the recipient a moment to take in the message.

3. It gives you the opportunity to gauge, via the other’s non-verbals, how the other person’s taking the message and how you should proceed.

A frequently asked question here is: Do I have to announce that it is bad news, before I give the actual news? For example: ‘I have some bad news for you, you didn’t get the job’. I’d say there’s no right or wrong here.

 If you do, you allow the other person to brace themselves for what’s coming and they are not caught off guard. The downside is, that you cannot know for sure whether the news is in fact ‘bad’. If you’re terminating someone with severance pay who was contemplating quitting their job to make a trip around the world, the news might actually be great.  

If you don’t alert them about the ‘bad’ news some people may be caught off guard and the emotional flare-up might be higher. The choice is yours. I tend not to announce it, because I trust in my ability to hold space for any emotion that might arise. 

Step 2: Hold space for emotion

I’ve actually dedicated an entire article on this. Please read this first and then come back to this article. I have one addition that is specific to this bad news conversation. 

This tip I’m about to give you will save you a lot of hassle… Do not answer questions of people who are in an emotional state. They might ask you the same type of questions a rational person might, but the emotional charge of the question should alert you not to answer. Whatever you say will only put fuel to the fire. Examples: 

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’

• ‘BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?’

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• ‘IS THIS A JOKE?’

But if you can;t answer, what do you do? You circumvent the question by using a simple formula: “It looks/sounds/seems/feels like” + [a statement describing where their question is coming from]. This approach lets them know you’ve heard the question, but allows you not to answer immediately.  Let’s look at some examples:

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• ‘It sounds like you’re struggling to understand why this decision was made…

• ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’

• ‘It sounds like this comes as a surprise to you…’

• ‘BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?’

• ‘It sounds like you’re unsure what this decision means for you…

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• ‘It feels like this  is a difficult pill for you to swallow…’

• ‘IS THIS A JOKE?’

• ‘It looks like you can’t believe this decision has been made…’

Pay attention though: whatever you paste behind  ‘it looks/sounds/seems/feels like’ can either move the conversation along or bring it to a screeching halt. Consider these examples.

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• Option A: ‘It seems that you cannot accept your termination…’

• Option B: ‘It sounds like you’re struggling to understand why this decision was made…’

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• Option A: ‘It seems like you're unable to accept this…’

• Option B: ‘It feels like this  is a difficult pill for you to swallow…’

Whenever you use a  ‘it looks/sounds/seems/feels like’ your goal is to get the other person to agree with your interpretation. When you use Options A what they’ll agree with is that they cannot accept this. This will only reinforce their resistance and keep them stuck in their emotions.  Options B  acknowledge their struggle while gently steering the conversation toward acceptance and understanding.

Transitioning from step 2 to step 3

The million dollar question that is probably forming in your head now is: when should you transition from step 2 to step 3? Theoretically, it’s when the recipient’s non-verbal and verbal cues indicate that they are calming down. 

Determining the exact point when they’re ready to move to step 3 is not an exact science unfortunately. While you’ll need to rely on your intuition, paying attention to specific cues from the recipient can help guide your decision.

• The pace of their speaking slows down.

• They ask questions without emotional charge.

• They make eye contact.

• They let out an accepting sigh.

As I mentioned before: it will happen that sometimes you will transition to step 3 too soon. As you are giving your arguments, you notice the recipient flaring up again. If this happens, no problem. You simply stop providing arguments and move back to step 2. 

I usually add a transitional sentence:

‘If you’re up for it, I can walk you through the reasoning behind the decision…’ + [silence]

The beauty of a sentence like that is that if the recipient says yes, they are confirming to you (and themselves) that they are capable of having a rational conversation again. This decreases the probability of them flaring up again later. 

Step 3: Present arguments / Provide reasons

There are a couple of things that will set you up for success here, let me walk you through them. 

Prepare

Same as step 1, this is something you could and should prepare. This means that you have to be able to explain the three main arguments or reasons (depending on whether it’s bad news type 1 or 2) from the top of your head. 

Walk them through it step by step

Second, when it’s time to deliver the arguments/reasons, use the following structure. 

1. Provide the first argument/reason. Use a downward inflection. This signals a finality to what you’re saying. An upwards inflection makes your statement sound like a question and signals that there is room to argue. 

2. Follow this by a short silence.This is where you gauge the other person’s non-verbal reaction. If they signal acceptance, move on to the second. If they flare up again, move back to step 2 of the Bad News Model. 

3. Provide the second argument/reason

4. Follow again by short silence

5. And so forth.

Use short sentences

Third, when you give your reasoning, use short sentences.  It may sound counter-intuitive, but the more words you use, the more defensive and/or unsure you sound. 

• DO: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is that you didn’t make the deadline on project X.’

• DO NOT DO: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is project X. It was challenging, but you were expected to either meet the deadline or inform stakeholders ahead of time. Stakeholder management is critical in your role, so this outcome reflects that."

Using short sentences doesn’t mean that you cannot discuss the point with the recipient. It just means that you will give the information bite-sized, and not offer up all the information in one go. With every question from the recipient, offer one or two sentences of explanation and leave it there. Take a look at the following example. Let’s assume that the questions are not emotionally charged, so therefore you can give an answer. 

• YOU: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is that you didn’t make the deadline on project X.’

• RECIPIENT: ‘I don’t understand, it got delivered with only two weeks of delay…’

• YOU: ‘In your role, you’re expected to either make the deadline or inform the main stakeholders ahead of time of the delay. That didn’t happen’

• RECIPIENT: ‘And is that so important that it merits a NOT MEET, even with all of the other things I achieved?

• YOU: ‘Unfortunately, yes.’

Sidestep challenging remarks

The last thing you want to be mindful of is that you want to avoid arguing. Let’s say someone disagrees with your argument:

• YOU: ‘The first reason (you are not being promoted this round) is because you didn’t make your sales target’ [silence]

• RECIPIENT: ‘Well that’s hugely unfair! It is impossible to make the numbers when my most important client is in the middle of a re-org!’

When someone challenges you like that, you will most likely feel triggered to defend your point. It would sound something like this:

• YOU: ‘Well, that re-org was in the making for a while now, so you could have seen it coming. Also if you didn’t, we expect you to get creative and grow your other clients. ‘

My invitation to you is to not act defensive. To borrow a line from Byron Katie: ‘Defense is the first act of war’. You will 100% end up arguing if you choose this route. Instead, sidestep the challenging remark using the same technique you employed to circumvent questions from someone who is emotional:

• YOU: ‘It seems you didn’t expect that whether or not you would make the sales target would be a deciding factor in your promotion.’

OR

• YOU: ‘It sounds like you hadn’t expected this outcome.’   

I know I’m asking you to do something difficult here, but I can promise you this. If you master the technique of sidestepping challenging remarks, this conversation (and dare I say it, maybe even your life!) will be the better for it. 

Step 4: Next steps

The goal for this last step is for the recipient to be 100% clear on what happens after the conversation. Apart from that, depending on the message you shared you might also have an additional goal. 

Message: NOT NOW

Some bad news contains a message of NOT NOW. Examples of this are: You are not being promoted this round, or you did get the job you applied for this time, You didn’t get the raise you wanted this year. If this is the case, you can use this step to look forward to the next time and how you can work to improve their chances to get what they want then. This enables you to end the conversation on a more positive/hopeful note. An example: 

• ‘If you’re interested, I’d be open to using our next 1-2-1 to delve into how we can improve your odds of getting that promotion/getting that job/getting that raise in the next round…’

Message: LOST FOREVER

Other bad news may contain an element of something being lost forever. In this case your focus could be on some strategies, resources or perspective available to help the recipient cope with the news. Depending on the emotional upheaval of the recipient you might also plan a separate conversation to discuss the next steps. Some examples:

Message: Your contract will not be extended

• ‘Your final day will then be february the 28th. If you’re open to it, I’d suggest we use our 1-2-1 next week to discuss the practicalities. In addition to this our HRBP is also available for any questions you might have. 

Message: Your presentation was accidentally deleted

• ‘We do need the presentation by the end of this week, so we have to find a way to re-make it. If you need it, I am able to clear your schedule for the rest of the day to do this’

Message: We won’t hire you because we don’t see a fit between you and this company. 

• ‘I know this might be a disappointment now. What I can offer you from my perspective is that people tend to thrive when they fit optimally with a company. That’s what I hope for you, to find that perfect fit. 

That’s it! I hope that with this article I might have been able to boost your confidence in having these conversations. It’s important to note that the culture of the recipient also plays a part in how you deliver bad news. This article is written from a Dutch perspective and works well for most western cultures.

How to deliver bad news is also covered in the training: The Art of Conversation for my Inspire to Lead course.

Interaction: Dealing with right answers

Right answers from participants also deserve a conscious approach, if you want to ensure high levels of interaction. What you want to avoid is that when a participant gives a sliver of the right answer you immediately move in and take over. Let’s look at an example from a training on the Rose of Leary.

• You: ‘So let me ask you, who can give me an example of when ABOVE - AGAINST behavior is appropriate or even necessary?’

• Participant: ‘Maybe when you have to communicate a boundary?’

• You: ‘That’s exactly right! When you have to communicate a boundary, ABOVE - AGAINST behavior is what you need. At that particular moment, you are putting your needs/wants/desires above what the other person might want. That makes it AGAINST. You are taking initiative by speaking up and making a statement and that makes it ABOVE. Does that make sense?

What you communicate through this interaction is that you only need their input as assists to your own story. You are not truly interested in what they have to say. Participants will pick up on this immediately and as a result will not be as forthcoming with any new answers. Interaction levels will slowly wither. 

How to deal with right answers

How you deal with a right answer is influenced by the level of correctness and the level of completeness. Let’s take a look at a couple of examples to find out how you deal with them.

The answer is 100% correct & 100% complete

Strategy: Highlight & Reward. Endorse the answer and offer the participant a moment in the sun for their contribution. How you do this depends very much on your style as a trainer. I personally have some fun with this by saying things like:

• ‘Ladies and gentleman, we have an angels-singing situation on our hands, what Peter said is exactly right!’

• ‘That’s exactly right! I couldn’t have said it any better if I had read it to you from the textbook.’

• ‘That’s a 10 out of 10 right there! Well done!’  

The answer is <100% correct & 100% complete

<100% correct implies that the answer is definitely in the direction you’re looking for, but it needs some fine-tuning to be exactly right.

Strategy: Reward the part that’s right and invite further additions either from the group or from the participant who gave the answer. Let’s take a look at this example from a training on Coaching:

• You: ‘What did you see me do, after the coachee told me the story about his boss?’

• Participant A: ‘You summarized it, by saying ‘I see that this is bothering you’.

• You: ‘Well spotted! I indeed summarized it. Those were not the exact words I used though. Who remembers which turn of phrase I used?

• Participant B: ‘You said: ‘It looks like this is bothering you’’

• You: ‘Awesome! That’s right. The reason I’m making you aware of this distinction is that ‘It looks like’ keeps the focus on the coachee and ‘I see’ takes more of the focus towards yourself and what you think.

The answer is 100% correct & <100% complete

<100% complete can mean two things.

1. Multiple answers exist for this particular question. 

Strategy: reward and invite further contributions, sometimes nudging the participants in a particular direction to come up with new answers. Let’s take a look at a situation from training on Focus:

• You: So when we know that the most effective breaks for the brain involve not taking in any information and being in a state of open awareness, can you think of some examples of great breaks?

• Participant A: ‘Loading the dishwasher.’

• You: ‘For sure! What else?’

• Participant B: ‘I always dance in the living room!’

• You: ‘Cool, I think I’ll try that myself! That definitely is an effective break for the brain. To also have some examples of breaks that are easier to do when you’re at work, what can you think of?’

• Participant C: ‘Take a walk’

• You: ‘Yup! Easy movement is one of the most effective breaks for the brain. Keep going!

• Participant D: ‘Stare out of the window’

• You: ‘Indeed, it might seem odd, but that’s actually a great break! I hope these examples gives you some inspiration for your breaks to come.’

  2. The answer lacks depth and needs further elaboration to be meaningful.

Strategy: Invite the participant to elaborate further. Let’s take a look at the example from a training on Delivering Bad News.

• You: ‘What would happen if you ignore that someone is angry and try to have a rational conversation?’

• Participant: ‘It wouldn’t work.’

• You: [with friendly inquisitive look on your face] ‘Say more’

• Participant: ‘Well, they wouldn’t exactly be open for it, right?’

• You: ‘Can you elaborate?’

• Participant: ‘Well, when I think of myself when I am angry, anything you say to me usually only puts fuel to the fire. I get even more riled up. I’m just not in the right headspace to hear what it is you have to say. 

• You: ‘Yes, that is exactly what tends to happen. ‘

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Interaction: Dealing with wrong answers

When you ask a question to the group, it can be challenging when a participant gives  an answer that is blatantly wrong. In order to keep interaction high two things hang in the balance here: you want to reward the person for having a go at the question and at the same time you want to make sure everyone understands what the right answer is. Dealing with wrong answers is a critical trainer skill. If you’re too harsh, the group will think twice before they answer going forward for fear of looking stupid. If you’re too quick to correct them, the group will become more reticent to answer because they already expect you to give them the answer. 

So how do you tread that balance? Here are some techniques that help you when someone gives you a wrong answer:

Option 1

• Figure out where they made a wrong turn, give them a tip and shape their way to the right answer

• ‘So you think X? Tell us why. 

• [answer] 

• ‘I see. And if you consider this [X], does your answer remain the same?’.

Option 2

• Use the group: 

• ‘Hmm, interesting. Does everyone agree, or does someone see it differently?

• [some non-verbal no’s] 

• No? Then what do you think? 

• [Right answer]

• ‘Yes, that is indeed also what the theory suggests/ Yes, that has also been my experience/ Yes, that’s right.

Option 3

• Sometimes the answer is not necessarily wrong, but just not the one you are looking for. Reward the answer and invite them to come up with another answer 

• ‘Yes, it is always an option to stop a conversation when emotions get heated. But what if you wanted to try to turn the conversation around, what could you do then?’

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.