I know I have to do something. I am two hours into the training and I see at least three participants lean back and zoom out. The cause of this is my inability to manage the participant to my left. I have rarely met a participant so invested in the training and eager to learn. In his eagerness however, he is taking up a lot of space. Too much space in this case. No question is left unanswered by him and he contributes a lot of examples of his own. The less vocal people in the group are unable to get a word in. Even though I’ve tried to engage them in the conversation, the balance is still off.
Take a moment for yourself to think about how you would approach this situation. How can you get this participant to tone it down while not dampening their spirits? What words would you use? Would you say it in the group? Would you take them aside?
A positive approach to correcting behaviors
All right, have you figured out your response? That’s great. Give yourself a thumbs-up for doing this mental work-out. Were you able to strike that elegant balance between correcting behavior and keeping enthusiasm? This has been one of the skills I have needed to develop over the years. When I started out as a trainer I had no problem correcting undesirable behavior, but the approach I took had a stern-teacher-like quality to it (it still pops up for me from time to time, I have to admit). The result was that the behavior stopped, but the participant lost appetite for the session because they felt put down. After years of trial and error I’ve finally stumbled upon a great method to do this. Are you ready for it?
Curious how this plays out in practice? This is how I used the method with that eager participant. I decided to approach him during the break. This is what I said:
‘Since the beginning of the session I have already spotted two qualities that you bring to the table that I really appreciate: your zest for learning and your quick-wit.’
(Important note: I meant what I said. I really did appreciate this about him. I would not recommend making stuff up here that you don’t really mean. People can sense it if you’re disingenuous and then this method will backfire.)
‘Because you are so fast in contributing though, I notice other participants are leaning back, because they are having difficulty getting a word in.’
‘Can I invite you to play around with the concept of giving space and taking up space? You might do this by allowing some time to pass before you ask a question, or checking other’s non-verbals to see if they’re about to say something.’
The result of this intervention? We ended up having a conversation in which the participant opened up by saying that this was feedback that he had had before. He shared that there were more situations in his life where his enthusiasm caused him to take up a lot of (and sometimes too much) space. Because of the practical tips I had given him he was eager to try giving more space in practice. During the rest of the session I noticed him deliberately waiting before jumping in with a response and as a result the balance of participation in the session was restored.
Why this works: the power of recognition
Time and time again I’ve noticed this way of correcting behavior works. My suspicion is that it is in the first step where the magic lies. By recognizing the quality in the behavior or the positive intention you convey a message of: I see you and I appreciate you. When someone makes you feel like that, any message that follows becomes much more digestible and motivation to do something different increases. When teaching this method to other trainers many find it difficult to come up with the quality or positive intention. Especially if you find a particular behavior annoying as a trainer, it can be difficult to find the positive. To give you an idea of the things you could say, here are a couple of example situations and possible approaches.
Practical Examples: Applying the Method in Different Situations
Situation: As you are discussing theory one participant asks a lot of very detailed questions. This takes up too much time and you notice other participants getting bored.
Approach:
1. ‘I appreciate the thoroughness you bring to really understanding this theory’
2. ‘Being mindful of the time we have, my concern is that when we go into this level of detail we will not have enough time for this next exercise’.
3. ‘Are you okay with leaving it here for the moment to move into this exercise? I’d be happy to answer any questions that remain during the break’.
Situation: As the group is continuously late in coming back from the break. There is no ill will, but they are having such a good time together that they forget about the time.
Approach:
1. ‘I love how you are getting on as a group, it really shows the bond you’ve created over the course of these training days’
2. ‘A byproduct of this is that the breaks take longer than we agreed upon, leaving me with a challenge to run the programme AND get you home on time’.
3. ‘Can I challenge you to definitely keep on having the fun you’re having whilst also returning from the break on the agreed upon time?’.
Situation: As someone is sharing something vulnerable they get emotional. Uncomfortable by the show of emotion some participants immediately move into rushed action by getting a glass of water, patting the back of the emotional participant and trying to console them.
Approach:
‘I appreciate the compassion that you demonstrate.’
‘When someone gets emotional though, just being present and holding space for the emotion is usually the most supportive gesture. Directly moving into action can be counter to the natural processing of emotions.’
‘Can I invite you to experiment with just holding space and giving the other person some time to move through their emotion?’
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Stretch - the balance between safety and challenge. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.