One of my favorite skills-sessions to deliver is Bad News Conversations. Why? Because there is such a huge delta between how participants come in and how they leave a session. This is a highly trainable skill. Everyone can learn it. Yes, you too! And when you do you’re going to reap the reward both in your personal and professional life. Your relationships will be the better for it because this is a trust-building skill.
So, let’s dive in. I will walk you through using the right mindset, understanding different types of bad news, and using a four-step method to navigate these conversations effectively.
Mindset
In my experience the biggest obstacle to navigating bad news conversations is mindset. So if we want to get better, that’s our first port of call.
The way you think about a situation influences your ability to deal with that situation. In the case of delivering bad news, there are some thought patterns that are going to make it impossible for you to navigate that conversation effectively. For example, if you think that you should be able to deliver the news in such a way that the other person doesn’t get emotional, you are setting yourself up for failure. Having an emotional reaction to bad news is human, and if you don’t allow the recipient of the news to have that reaction the conversation will be stunted.
Therefore, you need to check your mindset at the door before going into the conversation. Shifting your mindset allows you to navigate these conversations with greater empathy and effectiveness. Below is a guide to reframing your thoughts.
Types of bad news
We can distinguish two types of bad news:
A decision has been made that is unfavorable for you. Examples:
You will not be promoted this round
You are not getting a raise
Your contract will not be extended
You will get a NOT MEET on your performance review
Something happened that has an adverse effect on you. Examples:
Your computer was stolen from the office last night
I accidentally deleted your presentation
Your flight to the sales conference in Vegas was canceled due to a hurricane
Our commercial wasn’t nominated for a Gouden Loeki this year
The method below will work for both types of news.
The method to the magic
All right, let's continue with understanding the structure of a bad news conversation. This type of conversation consists of four steps. The emotional state of the receiver determines when you can move on to the next step. I’ll first walk you through the general idea and then give you tips and tricks for each step. Consider the following graph:
When you’re delivering bad news the first step is breaking the message. Chances are that the receiver of the bad news will then have some kind of emotional response. It could be disappointment, disbelief, anger, sadness, frustration, grief, numbness or something else. You can see this in the graph in the green line going up horizontally. When it crosses the dotted line the receiver is no longer rational. You will recognize this mostly through their non-verbals.
Now pay attention, I’m about to share something vital…
In this state, the receiver is no longer able to process any information. Why? When someone experiences intense emotions, their brain's limbic system takes over. This temporarily overrides the rational thinking processes of the prefrontal cortex, making it difficult for them to process information or engage in logical reasoning. The single biggest mistake you can make when your counterpart is in this state is to continue your story: present the arguments that support the decision, or provide the reasons that led to this outcome. Because what happens? Anything you say will put fuel to the fire. You don’t feel heard, the receiver doesn’t accept the decision/situation, you end up arguing: misery all around.
It doesn’t have to be this way. What you should do instead, is hold space for the emotion to allow the receiver to calm down again. This is the second step of delivering bad news. At one point, the non-verbals of the receiver will give you an indication that they are able to talk rationally again. This is the point where the green line crosses the dotted line again on the way down. Then, and only then, will you continue to step 3: present the arguments that support the decision (for type 1 bad news), or provide the reasons that led to this outcome (for type 2 bad news).
Now you might think then that you are in the clear, the emotional part being behind you. Well maybe, maybe not. It frequently happens, especially if someone didn’t calm down as much as you’d thought, that someone’s emotions flare up again as you present the arguments. If this is the case, stay calm and move back to step 2. The key thing remains: don’t try to have a rational conversation with someone in an emotional state.
When you get them to calm down again, retry step 3. When you’ve given your arguments, with no more emotional flare-ups, it’s time to move over to step 4, Becoming clear on what the next steps are going to be.
Now let’s dive a little deeper into each step, to set you up right for your conversations to come:
Step 1: Break the message
This is something you could and should prepare. This is usually one or two sentences, followed by a pause. Examples:
‘I’m sorry to inform you your contract will not be extended…’
‘I have reviewed your request for a raise and unfortunately I am unable to approve it at this point…’
‘I’ve called to let you know that we’ve decided to offer the job to another candidate…’
Do NOT forget the pause. It is vital for a couple of reasons.
The pause underlines the finality of the message. It highlights that it is what it is, no more wiggle room.
It gives the recipient a moment to take in the message.
It gives you the opportunity to gauge, via the other’s non-verbals, how the other person’s taking the message and how you should proceed.
A frequently asked question here is: Do I have to announce that it is bad news, before I give the actual news? For example: ‘I have some bad news for you, you didn’t get the job’. I’d say there’s no right or wrong here.
If you do, you allow the other person to brace themselves for what’s coming and they are not caught off guard. The downside is, that you cannot know for sure whether the news is in fact ‘bad’. If you’re terminating someone with severance pay who was contemplating quitting their job to make a trip around the world, the news might actually be great.
If you don’t alert them about the ‘bad’ news some people may be caught off guard and the emotional flare-up might be higher. The choice is yours. I tend not to announce it, because I trust in my ability to hold space for any emotion that might arise.
Step 2: Hold space for emotion
I’ve actually dedicated an entire article on this. Please read this first and then come back to this article. I have one addition that is specific to this bad news conversation.
This tip I’m about to give you will save you a lot of hassle… Do not answer questions of people who are in an emotional state. They might ask you the same type of questions a rational person might, but the emotional charge of the question should alert you not to answer. Whatever you say will only put fuel to the fire. Examples:
‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’
‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’
‘BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?’
‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’
‘IS THIS A JOKE?’
But if you can;t answer, what do you do? You circumvent the question by using a simple formula: “It looks/sounds/seems/feels like” + [a statement describing where their question is coming from]. This approach lets them know you’ve heard the question, but allows you not to answer immediately. Let’s look at some examples:
‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’
‘It sounds like you’re struggling to understand why this decision was made…
‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’
‘It sounds like this comes as a surprise to you…’
‘BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?’
‘It sounds like you’re unsure what this decision means for you…
‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’
‘It feels like this is a difficult pill for you to swallow…’
‘IS THIS A JOKE?’
‘It looks like you can’t believe this decision has been made…’
Pay attention though: whatever you paste behind ‘it looks/sounds/seems/feels like’ can either move the conversation along or bring it to a screeching halt. Consider these examples.
‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’
Option A: ‘It seems that you cannot accept your termination…’
Option B: ‘It sounds like you’re struggling to understand why this decision was made…’
‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’
Option A: ‘It seems like you're unable to accept this…’
Option B: ‘It feels like this is a difficult pill for you to swallow…’
Whenever you use a ‘it looks/sounds/seems/feels like’ your goal is to get the other person to agree with your interpretation. When you use Options A what they’ll agree with is that they cannot accept this. This will only reinforce their resistance and keep them stuck in their emotions. Options B acknowledge their struggle while gently steering the conversation toward acceptance and understanding.
Transitioning from step 2 to step 3
The million dollar question that is probably forming in your head now is: when should you transition from step 2 to step 3? Theoretically, it’s when the recipient’s non-verbal and verbal cues indicate that they are calming down.
Determining the exact point when they’re ready to move to step 3 is not an exact science unfortunately. While you’ll need to rely on your intuition, paying attention to specific cues from the recipient can help guide your decision.
The pace of their speaking slows down.
They ask questions without emotional charge.
They make eye contact.
They let out an accepting sigh.
As I mentioned before: it will happen that sometimes you will transition to step 3 too soon. As you are giving your arguments, you notice the recipient flaring up again. If this happens, no problem. You simply stop providing arguments and move back to step 2.
I usually add a transitional sentence:
‘If you’re up for it, I can walk you through the reasoning behind the decision…’ + [silence]
The beauty of a sentence like that is that if the recipient says yes, they are confirming to you (and themselves) that they are capable of having a rational conversation again. This decreases the probability of them flaring up again later.
Step 3: Present arguments / Provide reasons
There are a couple of things that will set you up for success here, let me walk you through them.
Prepare
Same as step 1, this is something you could and should prepare. This means that you have to be able to explain the three main arguments or reasons (depending on whether it’s bad news type 1 or 2) from the top of your head.
Walk them through it step by step
Second, when it’s time to deliver the arguments/reasons, use the following structure.
Provide the first argument/reason. Use a downward inflection. This signals a finality to what you’re saying. An upwards inflection makes your statement sound like a question and signals that there is room to argue.
Follow this by a short silence.This is where you gauge the other person’s non-verbal reaction. If they signal acceptance, move on to the second. If they flare up again, move back to step 2 of the Bad News Model.
Provide the second argument/reason
Follow again by short silence
And so forth.
Use short sentences
Third, when you give your reasoning, use short sentences. It may sound counter-intuitive, but the more words you use, the more defensive and/or unsure you sound.
DO: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is that you didn’t make the deadline on project X.’
DO NOT DO: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is project X. It was challenging, but you were expected to either meet the deadline or inform stakeholders ahead of time. Stakeholder management is critical in your role, so this outcome reflects that."
Using short sentences doesn’t mean that you cannot discuss the point with the recipient. It just means that you will give the information bite-sized, and not offer up all the information in one go. With every question from the recipient, offer one or two sentences of explanation and leave it there. Take a look at the following example. Let’s assume that the questions are not emotionally charged, so therefore you can give an answer.
YOU: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is that you didn’t make the deadline on project X.’
RECIPIENT: ‘I don’t understand, it got delivered with only two weeks of delay…’
YOU: ‘In your role, you’re expected to either make the deadline or inform the main stakeholders ahead of time of the delay. That didn’t happen’
RECIPIENT: ‘And is that so important that it merits a NOT MEET, even with all of the other things I achieved?
YOU: ‘Unfortunately, yes.’
Sidestep challenging remarks
The last thing you want to be mindful of is that you want to avoid arguing. Let’s say someone disagrees with your argument:
YOU: ‘The first reason (you are not being promoted this round) is because you didn’t make your sales target’ [silence]
RECIPIENT: ‘Well that’s hugely unfair! It is impossible to make the numbers when my most important client is in the middle of a re-org!’
When someone challenges you like that, you will most likely feel triggered to defend your point. It would sound something like this:
YOU: ‘Well, that re-org was in the making for a while now, so you could have seen it coming. Also if you didn’t, we expect you to get creative and grow your other clients. ‘
My invitation to you is to not act defensive. To borrow a line from Byron Katie: ‘Defense is the first act of war’. You will 100% end up arguing if you choose this route. Instead, sidestep the challenging remark using the same technique you employed to circumvent questions from someone who is emotional:
YOU: ‘It seems you didn’t expect that whether or not you would make the sales target would be a deciding factor in your promotion.’
OR
YOU: ‘It sounds like you hadn’t expected this outcome.’
I know I’m asking you to do something difficult here, but I can promise you this. If you master the technique of sidestepping challenging remarks, this conversation (and dare I say it, maybe even your life!) will be the better for it.
Step 4: Next steps
The goal for this last step is for the recipient to be 100% clear on what happens after the conversation. Apart from that, depending on the message you shared you might also have an additional goal.
Message: NOT NOW
Some bad news contains a message of NOT NOW. Examples of this are: You are not being promoted this round, or you did get the job you applied for this time, You didn’t get the raise you wanted this year. If this is the case, you can use this step to look forward to the next time and how you can work to improve their chances to get what they want then. This enables you to end the conversation on a more positive/hopeful note. An example:
‘If you’re interested, I’d be open to using our next 1-2-1 to delve into how we can improve your odds of getting that promotion/getting that job/getting that raise in the next round…’
Message: LOST FOREVER
Other bad news may contain an element of something being lost forever. In this case your focus could be on some strategies, resources or perspective available to help the recipient cope with the news. Depending on the emotional upheaval of the recipient you might also plan a separate conversation to discuss the next steps. Some examples:
Message: Your contract will not be extended
‘Your final day will then be february the 28th. If you’re open to it, I’d suggest we use our 1-2-1 next week to discuss the practicalities. In addition to this our HRBP is also available for any questions you might have.
Message: Your presentation was accidentally deleted
‘We do need the presentation by the end of this week, so we have to find a way to re-make it. If you need it, I am able to clear your schedule for the rest of the day to do this’
Message: We won’t hire you because we don’t see a fit between you and this company.
‘I know this might be a disappointment now. What I can offer you from my perspective is that people tend to thrive when they fit optimally with a company. That’s what I hope for you, to find that perfect fit.
That’s it! I hope that with this article I might have been able to boost your confidence in having these conversations. It’s important to note that the culture of the recipient also plays a part in how you deliver bad news. This article is written from a Dutch perspective and works well for most western cultures.
How to deliver bad news is also covered in the training: The Art of Conversation for my Inspire to Lead course.
