The importance of choosing your words with intent
When you are in a position of leadership, an easy way to increase your ability to influence is to start choosing your words with intention. Phrasing something just right might be the difference between acceptance and full-blown resistance, or between a deepening or weakening of a relationship.
As a leader, assertiveness is an essential skill. It’s the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries clearly, confidently and respectfully while also being considerate of those of others. Simple as though it may sound, this is not an easy skill. Put too much emphasis on what you want and you become aggressive. Place too much weight on what others need and you become passive.
One of the most powerful ways to strike this balance is through your choice of words—specifically, how you contrast ideas. Two small phrases, BUT and AT THE SAME TIME, allow you to express assertiveness in nuanced ways. They give you the power to balance authority with consideration, and in this article, we’ll explore how each one can shape your leadership influence. Ready? Let’s dive in!
BUT versus AT THE SAME TIME
It’s important to be clear on what you are actually communicating when you are using these different phrases. Consider these two sentences
I understand that you’d like an additional week to get this done, BUT unfortunately I’m not in a position to extend the deadline.
I understand that you’d like an additional week to get this done, AT THE SAME TIME I’m not in a position to extend the deadline.
Did you notice the subtle but important difference between these two phrases?
Using BUT signals that your point of view takes precedence. You are communicating that in this instance, your view goes, and you want to move forward without extending the deadline.
Using AT THE SAME TIME suggests both perspectives are equally important. You are inviting the other person to consider a new data point. You want to move forward by looking for solutions that take both viewpoints into account.
You might ask yourself: which one is better? And I’ll give you my favorite answer: it depends. What does it depend on? I’ll dive into that next.
When to use BUT…
There will be moments in your leadership career when it’s necessary for you to make the final call. It might be because in that particular instance you are the expert, you have authority or you are the leader. This is a moment where BUT will serve you well. Examples:
‘I appreciate that you might want to include feature X in this sprint, BUT (as product owner) for now I’m deciding against it in favour of making the deadline.’
‘I understand that you’d like to fill out the evaluation tomorrow, but (from my years of experience as a trainer) I will ask you to do it now, since fill-out rates plummet once the session is over.’
In these situations you are effectively influencing through power.
There are some downsides too:
Use it too often, and you risk eroding trust and creating a hierarchical dynamic where your team feels undervalued or dismissed. This could lead to disengagement or resentment.
Use it at the wrong moment (for example, during brainstorming), and you could stifle additional contributions from team members.. ‘Yes, that might look really nice, but have you considered the cost?’
If you use BUT when challenging someone in a higher authority position, you risk coming across as petulant. ‘I understand you want me to do this, but I am swamped in work already!’
You’ve probably come to the conclusion that you want to use your BUT sparingly. In leadership, the thoughtful use of AT THE SAME TIME opens doors for collaboration and balance, often leading to more sustainable results.
When to use AT THE SAME TIME
I am a huge fan of AT THE SAME TIME. I think every leader should add it to their repertoire. Why? Because it allows you to navigate many complex situations by balancing multiple perspectives at once. Use it when…
… you want to add an overlooked point of view to a discussion without dismissing what’s been said before.
‘I very much like the creativity in this idea. AT THE SAME TIME, I’m wondering about its technical feasibility. What are your thoughts?’
… you are in a position of authority, yet you are open to discussion.
‘I’m leaning towards Marina’s proposal. AT THE SAME TIME, it’s crucial to me that everyone is on board with this. What’s needed to get everyone on the same page?’
… you want to steer towards a certain outcome without imposing your authority.
‘I very much value the discussion you are having, AT THE SAME TIME, I’m concerned about time. May I suggest we leave it here for now and pick this up in our next team meeting?’
… you want to challenge someone with higher authority than you
‘I can see the benefit of adding this project to our list of priorities, AT THE SAME TIME, I do not see how we can deliver on our priorities with our current capacity’
… you want to course-correct someone’s behavior who is prone to defensiveness
‘It looks like you and Alessia spend a lot of time together and you’re getting on very well, AT THE SAME TIME, to me it’s important that everyone feels included in the team. Would it be possible to make a conscious effort to include Darius?
In these situations, using AT THE SAME TIME allows you to influence others through consideration, while promoting dialogue, mutual respect, and a more inclusive approach to decision-making.
Final thought
In leadership, the words you choose have the power to shape not only decisions but also relationships. Mastering phrases like BUT and AT THE SAME TIME can elevate your ability to influence, collaborate, and create lasting, positive change.