If you are uncomfortable when faced with someone’s emotional reaction, this post is for you. If you draw a blank when someone displays a difficult emotion and are insecure about what to do, read on. This article will give you a handle on how to navigate the situation in a way that de-escalates the emotion and strengthens the relationship: through the concept of holding space. Holding space is the practice of being present for someone without judgment, providing them with a safe environment to process whatever it is they are going through.
This article came about because over the years I’ve seen many people-managers putting off important conversations because they were dreading the emotions that might come up. It could be telling someone that they would not be promoted, delivering the news that a contract wouldn’t get extended, giving someone some difficult feedback or inquiring after someone whose mental health they were worried about. As a result, important topics were addressed too late or not at all.
Fortunately, holding space is a highly trainable skill. For this, I’ll share 5 tools with you. If you put the effort in and practice making them your own, I promise you will be able to skillfully navigate these conversations.
01. Mindset
First things first: You’ve got to get your head on straight if you want to do this right. How? The way you interpret the fact that the other person is having an emotional reaction will determine your ability to deal with the situation. These are some interpretations I’ve encountered over the years. ***Spoiler alert: these are not helping you…
That the other person is having a emotional reaction means that:
I have done something wrong
I need to fix it
the other person is not able to have this conversation right now
Having this mindset will influence your feelings and behavior. You will probably feel triggered and uncomfortable. Behavior-wise, you might jump into solution-mode or shut down the conversation. Both approaches will more likely exacerbate the emotion than alleviate it. So you’re going to need another mindset to allow you to hold space. This is the mindset that will help you:
That the other person is having a emotional reaction means that:
I have done something wrong → this person has been triggered and that’s human and okay
I need to fix it → I can support this person by holding space
the other person is not able to have this conversation right now → I can facilitate this person to process their emotion so we can continue our conversation
Now that you’re operating from the right mindset, let’s explore what tools you might use to help the other person process their emotion.
02. Silence
Let me start with the most effective tool bar none: silence. As someone is having an emotional reaction, just allowing for some silence will go a long way in helping the other person move through the emotion and regain their composure. No action required. This sounds so simple, yet it is not easy. Most people are really uncomfortable with silence. The reason is the way people interpret silence. So here, we also have to change our mind about silence:
Silence means that:
the other person is waiting for me to speak → the other person needs some time to regain their composure
the other person is uncomfortable by my not speaking →the other person is so preoccupied with their own emotional reaction that they’re probably not even registering the silence. The only person that’s uncomfortable is me and I can handle that.
03. Labeling
Through silence you allow for someone to move through the emotion at their own pace. Through labeling you can accelerate this process. Labeling is putting words to what you sense is going on with the other person. Invaluable sentences for this start with these words:
It looks like… this caught you off guard / you’re struggling
It sounds like… you have a lot on your plate right now / you’re frustrated
It seems like… this is not what you expected / you’re rattled by this
It feels like… you’re disappointed / you’re having difficulty digesting that
When you use a sentence like this, you subtly invite the other person to reflect. The other is invited to look at the emotion rather than be in the emotion. This helps to slow down the build-up of the emotion.
Two expert tips:
A sentence like this needs to be followed by silence for the effect to kick in.
Don’t use the similar: I see/I hear/I feel/I notice. They make your remark about you rather than the other person.
Note: I picked these sentences up in Chris Voss’ book: Never split the difference. A must read if you're interested in how to build better connections with people.
04. Voice
When you label, the effect will be heavily influenced by your delivery. You want to pay attention to the voice that you use. In this situation, the way you tend to speak when you want to ‘get stuff done’ is not your friend. When you’re holding space for someone you want to use the vocal equivalent of sitting by the fireplace under a blanket with a cup of tea in your hand. Too abstract? Let me break it down. You can adjust your voice like this:
Bring down the pace, talk slower
Bring down the pitch, talk lower
Use a downward inflection. Have the intonation go down at the end of your sentence.
For an example: Stephen Bartlett uses this type of voice a lot in his podcast Diary of a CEO.
05. Empathy
This last one comes with a disclaimer: only use this when it’s genuine. It will have an adverse effect if you don’t really mean it. According to Brené Brown empathy is connecting with people so we know we're not alone when we're in struggle. You can show empathy through your words and through your non-verbals.
Through words:
I can understand… this is a really difficult situation / your disappointment
I can imagine… your struggle / that this is a tough pill to swallow
I can relate to… your sense of frustration / the way you’re feeling right now
I recognize the feeling of [fill in the blank] and it’s really hard/tough.
Through non-verbals:
Head slightly tilted
Understanding expression, though not condescending
Slight nodding
This last one might be a bit odd: if the other person is sighing, I tend to sigh along. It creates a feeling of sharing the burden and giving the other person the feeling that they’re not alone. Obviously, don’t overdo it.
I can’t wait for you to start trying this out for yourself. My advice is to not try to implement the tools all at once. Start with one or two, make them your own, and once you feel comfortable using them, add the next. This way you ensure you come across as being authentic, rather than ‘trying some new trick’. Let me know how you fare!
If you feel like you need a little bit more help to really make this your own, don’t hesitate to be in touch. The session Creation Depth in my Inspire to Lead programme for first time leaders covers this skill.